I'm sure that many people have heard Phish's rendition of Gin and Juice, and while its not Snoop D-O-GG, its also not The Gourds version of it. Very worth listening to. I'm usually not too hot on country, but this is definitely going in the classics file.

Check it out - The Gourds - Gin and Juice

(Thanks to suburbanlimo for the info)

All I have to say is Patrick Dempsey has gotten old. Not old as in used... but old as in age...

I predict today is going to be a good day! Happy day to all those celebrating!

So here's an update of sorts.
1. I am $403.75 overdrawn in my bank account. How? The bank can't even tell me exactly how. The charges don't match up with the purchases/deposits. They held a direct deposit from Blockbuster. EXCUSE ME? From Blockbuster?!?!? The multi-billion dollar, international company? WTF?!?!
2. I am receiving an approximately $2,400 return from the federal government for my taxes. I cost my dad approximately $6,000 in taxes because he couldn't claim me. So, my dad is going to cash my check for me, and take all my money. Great. I'm so glad not to be a dependent anymore, but at the same time, this really sucks. At least I get to keep the state one (woo-hoo seventy-five bucks!).
3. I worked eleven hours at Cockbuster on Thursday, April 11th. I am getting paid for...
ZIP-ZERO! (cause BB's stingy with dinero)
Yes that's right folks! A bitchy little (I don't mean little as in size, because although I'm not always very fond of my body, you could fit three of me inside half of her) co-worker of mine decided to erase my time card for that day, seeing as how I shouldn't have worked eleven hours. It was a split-shift, so I wasn't going to receive any over-time, but come the fuck on! One time I was twenty minutes late (usually I'm early), and she threatened me, I reported it, and this is what I have to deal with now. Right. Maturity people! C'mon, say it with me! Ma-ture-it-y. I'm going to have to wait a month and a half to get paid for this. And of course, this isn't helping my bank account situation much either.
4. I'm drinking an Eye of the Hawk ale. From Mendocino Brewing Co. Its very good. It is 8.0% alcohol by volume. Very nice. It is helping me relax. I am about to puff down on some very nice homegrown I got from a friend for free. That is also very nice. It will help me relax even more. But what good is relaxing when I realize that...
5. I HAVE TO WORK ON SATURDAY!!! From 12:30-8:00pm. Does that suck or what? The only holiday other than St. Patrick's day that is indeed the type of holiday for me, and I have to work during the celebration. I'll hit up the first, but no one else will be at my house celebrating with me at four in the morning. I hope that I get to take my break between 4 and 4:30. So smoke one for me!
6. Otherwise, I'm having a grand old time of it. Can't be much more negative about life than I am right now, or else I'd probably kill myself, but now that I've ranted about it, I feel alot better. The beer is also helping.

I watched the Aerosmith MTVicon thing last night and went through a myriad of emotions. First, pleased with Train's version of Dream On. Next, disgusted with Papa Roach's version of Sweet Emotion. That's a great song and although the musicians did it some justice, the lyrics are what bring it all together. Surprised at Metallica's heartfelt thanks and dedication. Confused during David Spade's roast. Ecstatic during Aerosmith's performance. Yeah, and Kid Rock, really does rock, me thinks.

There is a photography school here in Santa Barbara called Brooks which is very prestigious, expensive, and hard to get into. I work with a bunch of people who go to this school. They often have to take pictures of people, and need models that will work for free or just a bit more than free. I've done work with a couple of these people, most of the shots I have absolutely loved. And since I'm not that shy around cameras or people, when my good friends need a model for almost naked work, they ask me. Last night I did some back shots and some front shots (either way you don't see anything, its just supposed to be sexy by not seeing anything, but you know its there). I only saw the polaroids, but they looked amazing. One of them, I'm going to have printed on canvas, then I'm going to frame it, and put it above my piano when I finally get mine back. A-maze-ing. Not that I like looking at pictures of myself all the time, but it was a really beautiful shot, and why would I want a picture of some other naked lady, when I could have one of myself? Kinda like Samantha in Sex and the City, but I didn't get the pictures done for me. It was a class assignment. I hope she gets a good grade on it.

It really sucks when you want something so badly, and you can't have it. Like when you're a little kid, and you really want a toy, but your parents won't buy it for you, for whatever reasons. You just keep wanting and wanting until, YES! You finally get it. Then, two weeks later, you have forgotten that its underneath the steps in front of your house. Out of sight, out of mind.
Then, after a while (it could be days, weeks, months, even years) your bratty next-door neighbor has got your toy, and all of a sudden, you can't live without it again? But then once you've got it back, you don't play with it?
Same thing goes in life... you want want want, what you can't have, until its yours, then, you don't want it anymore. It just sucks. One moment bliss, the next heartache.

A while back I did this colorgenics thing, and it was totally on. Since then, some things have changed, and so did my profile. Again, it was right on. Shoot, I knew I was depressed. Anyway, I think you should try it out too.

The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.

Matters are not progressing as well as you would have hoped and you are having to make concessions - but you still believe that your goals are realistic it's just that people can't seem to see your point of view. You know what you want but you'll only accept suggestions under duress.

The tension that you are experiencing at this time is perhaps due to physical and/or mental frustration. It would appear that you are not appreciated and as a consequence, the situation is most disagreeable. You seek personal recognition and the appreciation of others to compensate for the lack of like minded people with whom to ally yourself. You would like to surrender and merge with others but your inherent self-restraint makes it difficult for you to open up. This disturbs you as you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You want to be liked, admired and appreciated for yourself.
It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own making simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial 'you' is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities. You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.

Staring up at your window,
the shades have been drawn,
but I know you're in there sleeping
and will wake before the dawn.
I used to be the one,
right there next to you,
and loving you was all I wanted,
all that I could do.
I can hear the music,
left on from the night before,
slightly reminiscent of the tracks I picked
when you left me wanting more.
Funny how life screws things up
and time seems somehow wasted
heartache comes much quicker now
and pain is all I've tasted.
Where is the happy ending
when galahad comes rushing in?
A darker night I've never seen
crushed memories I'll hold within.
The light will bring the pavement
and a solace to your feet
I'll be the wind at your back
so again we'll never meet.
Win that last hurrah from me
touch me in a dream
make me crawl out of bed
to reminisce upon what had never been

Oy! I am such a lazy romanticist. Its been a long time since I've written two things within a few days. But I guess it helps with the shrugging off of lame attempts at understanding men. I've got to go back to the way it was before, when I didn't care to understand them. Just me. And when that guy finally realizes either that he's a dumbass or he's a dumbass without me, maybe I'll be strong enough to say "nope, sorry hon, you're a dumbass, with or without me, and I choose it to be without me."

Like the Oracle said to Neo "Looks like you're waiting for something, kid"

Someone once said to me that songs don't come out of conscious thinking. You just hear it then write it. Tonight, while in the throes of bitter agony over some stuff that happened today, I heard a song in my head, and I wrote it. To me, it sounds like a crappy forlorn country ballad, but a friend of mine thought the lyrics worked with some music that he had written and that it was great to actually hear me singing something I came up with on my own. Not someone else's dreams. So here goes...

When I met you first,
I didn't realize
you would take my heart away.
When I held you first
I didn't realize
the ice would melt that day.

Your charming smile
escaped into your eyes,
opening your soul to view.
But I was too slow,
or you were too fast,
and now I'm cryin over you.

Ridin' down this highway
I realized the change.
I'm not the silly girl I used to be.
Now all my past regrets, love
and all my failed attempts, love,
come chasing after me.

Tell me, what could I have done?
To show you, you are not the only one that feels.
Feel my heart beating, love.

You might not remember me
five years down the road
but I won't forget, love
you chose to be free (free, free)
Free from loving, love.

ok. That's it. I told you it was crappy. But it does feel good to be singing something I wrote.

thank you... that's all I wanted to say.

Usually after a rant like the last one, I follow up with some inane babbling that's short and sweet. Sorry, that would just be too easy. This one has a point, I think.

Sundays, I work until five. Gives me the evening off, sometimes Michael will come over and use my oven to cook. Those are always good nights. We watch a movie, then he passes out, because he usually works at Trader's at five am. We also do a bit of drinking and ahem... sorry, got carried away there. But once he passes out, the TV is all mine. And even if I have to work at five the next morning, I stay up for one show and one show alone. The Chris Isaak Show. Tonight on the way between jobs, I heard his new radio release, "Let Me Down Easy".

After the song was done, the DJ came on and said, "isn't that song quite ironic? I mean, who would turn down Chris Isaak?" and that's what I'm saying! A friend of mine told me that he's been through relationship after relationship. I said that's because he hasn't met me yet. Ha Ha... wouldn't that be a riot? Anyways, its a pretty good song, and the show is definitely my favorite right now. The video is also on the Blockbuster Trailer tape, and just like "Everyday" I always turn it up and dance around. The customers get a kick out of it.

"if you ask me to follow, you know I'll fly"

Driving home from LA today (well more like on the first part of the drive to Greg's workplace) I fell in love with a song. At the time, I couldn't remember who it was performed by, and I was too chicken to ask, plus Greg looked like he was enjoying the comfy seat and not having to drive in LA traffic (which wasn't so bad) with his eyes closed and head back on the headrest. Wish I could have taken a picture.
Anyway, the song was "When You Come Back Down" by Nickel Creek. I actually started crying, but held in the sobs because its not a very strong thing to do. I didn't want him to laugh. Its such a beautiful song, both lyrically and musically.

After I dropped him off, I listened to it again driving on the 126 (a hwy between I-5 and US 101) and I full on broke down. Not my car, me. My favorite line in the song...
"I'll be the harmony, to every lonely song, that you'll learn to play"... just beautiful. It meant more to me this morning than it did yesterday afternoon, or any time before. Maybe it was the drive, maybe it was the company... I don't know.

I did have a lovely time this past weekend, and last night. Hit up the Martini Lounge on Melrose for a quick set by Eric Lynn's band, no originals though. Hey, and btw, I agree... I like the music, if you could mix it up for me... that would be nice. Wish I had a copy right now.

When you're driving a long distance (ok, an hour and a half isn't that long of a distance, in the grand scheme of things) you often have a lot of time to think. About everything and nothing in particular. I was thinking on how people end up together. This has been a topic of conversation many times for me because I am absolutely fascinated by interpersonal relationships. And I see couples all the time, in my line of work. Often times, we see two people who look like they couldn't be more different. Sometimes, they look like they could be brother and sister. But always the same question pops up in my head... how did they get together, and what makes them stay together? Not even looking at my own troubled relationships with different/similar people. For instance, I saw a blonde haired couple standing on the sidewalk with two dogs on leashes, and they were sharing a kiss. I know previously I mentioned that I don't like PDA much, but it was really cute. I wish I could sit down and ask those two people what made it work. Then again, they could be two married people having an affair while walking their dogs. Either way, something was going right, at that moment.

You can't force relationships, but at the same time, you can't just let them happen, or nothing will. You can't be confused about what you want, or you'll get what you don't. You can't expect to remain just friends when there's much more going on underneath the surface. If you're not ready for a new relationship because you're still hung up on the last one, you can't expect to have a sucessful new one. You can't be aloof one hour, then the next all hot and bothered (cute too) and expect your partner to understand your motivations or even agree with them. And just because you know that life is too short and that it will move on without you, doesn't mean everyone else knows that.

Sometimes primitive desires get the best of us, and our willpower is completely destroyed. Sometimes having that willpower just for principle's sake isn't enough. I'd love to be a free-loving, non-question-asking, not committed girl. Trust me. But I'm not. I'm glad to move on past the initial physical attraction, and concentrate on companionship, but unfortunately, it doesn't go both ways with me. I can't just turn it on and turn it off. I get awkward around people I'm physically attracted to, and if they're not showing any signs that I can pick up on, it makes it even worse. I hate rejection, but I'd rather have that, then be wishing on something that will never happen. At least then I know one way or another.

Anyone else feel the same way?
Oh yeah, don't forget to download "When You Come Back Down" - Nickel Creek

love in the new millenium... yuck.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I wrote a sonnet for english class entitled 'unrequited love'. At the time, I was naive enough to confuse lust with love. It was a pretty good sonnet, for a fifteen year old, but I should have entitled it, 'unrequited crush'

I know you see me smiling every day
walking past with one girl or another
not directing a simple thought my way
you speak and my breaths begin to hover.
"Why doesn't she just talk to me?" you say
like its not obvious that I can't speak.
Unsticking my tongue is the hardest task
And my knees go out making me feel weak.
I feel like a bowl of jello, for you
to accidentally leave out in the sun
evaporating like a drop of dew
because I know that I am not the one.
Maybe you'll finish what I can't complete,
and I'll win rather than endure defeat.

Yeah, how corny is that? I still remember the guy I wrote it about. He was a year older, popular... yada yada yada.

End of the year, guess what I find out. Yeah, he liked me too, but he was too chicken to do anything about it, and our mutual "friend" didn't help either of us out because she liked him too! Loads of fun.

Things have changed though... its not as easy as writing down a sonnet and putting it in the guy's locker the second to last day of school. I didn't use to care what the guy thought. I knew what I knew, and that was enough for me. Now, I'm the one too chicken to say anything, and I've almost lost a couple of friendships because of it.

This is what everyone goes through, right? I've always acted first, thought second (or third) and I've drawn the conclusion that this is obviously not the way to go. But then again, thinking too much can drive one insane, or at least to insomnia. So where is the happy medium? Where's the middle ground? Love is like a political spectrum, you've got radicals and reactionaries, liberals and conservatives, and all those independents in the middle that could go either way, depending. Depending on what? Brains?

So for now, since I am single and I'm not quite lookin for love, I'll just sit back and reminisce on my failures and triumphs. And analyze them. And drive myself crazy.

Ok... so, have you ever started out an evening having a good time, and the good times kept on coming until you were vomiting good times into a toilet? Then, all you had from there were bad times? Yeah.

So, the vacation to LA was fun. For the most part. I got to hang out with some cool people, met some cool musicians, but ultimately drank way too much. I heard recently that men drink, boys count; so I'm not going to list off the drinks I had. Because the end result equaled just way too much.

Made a fool of myself, and I wish I could take it all back, but I know that most of us drinkers have been there before.

And for the record, it is really hard to pretend to be happy when all you want to do is shut the shades, get back into bed, and put a pillow over your head, because somehow, death just seems more pleasant than a really bad hangover.

Don't you hate it when you really want to talk to someone... and you call them, letting them know that you really want to talk to them, and as far as you know, there has been no breakdown of friendship, and as far as you know there hasn't been some major accident keeping them from a phone...

and they don't call you back?

Even if it is just to say hi.

I hate that.

ok, I think I may have gotten rid of those pesky script errors. None pop up on my screen, I hope they don't on yours. Its annoying I know. I had to re-do it all, but eh, it only took five minutes anyways. Right.

I completely missed April fool's day. forgot to do any pranks. sometimes I get them all planned out in advance. whatever.