Love Part One:

Ok. A thread on a mailing list I'm on nancies a couple of weeks ago asked what guys look for in girls. Of course there were the responses that included physical attributes (i.e. dark skin, dark eyes, long hair), but there were also a couple that talked about personality. Open minded was one of the requirements my friend Peacock had down.

My question is, whatever happened to cook, mother, wife? Fifty years ago, when a man was picking the woman he would spend the rest of his life with (because divorce was not the thing to do back then) the qualities were different than what they are now. The sexual revolution changed all the rules for dating and loving. Maybe in a good way, things aren't so black and white now. Now men marry the women that they wouldn't bring home to mother then. So what do men look for in women now?

Better question, what do women look for in men? Is it the provider that can support a family on his own? Probably not. Since World War II, when women who previously had no employment were forced to work, and after realized that they could do as good of a job as men and wanted to continue working, they have proven time and time again that they could provide for families themselves. Is it the passionate lover and caring father? Is it the friendly companion that she doesn't mind boinking? Maybe. Things have gotten so convoluted that anyone's guess is the right answer. Its different for everyone.

As my high school psychology class taught me, our formative years are way before we even notice the opposite sex as anything more than another player in dodgeball. For me, this was probably ages six through ten (when I was ten, I first noticed a boy who lived down the street from me and had a "crush" on him. I even stalked him to take a picture. I still have it. He looks extremely scared.) During this time, my parents took me on a road trip across the United States for five months. We all slept in the same Volkswagon camper, and I'm pretty sure my parents didn't have sex the entire time. Although now that I'm older, I sleep in a tent if we go camping (because I like my privacy) and they make jokes like "if the camper starts a' rockin', don't come a' knockin'", they didn't at the time. I haven't asked them, but I couldn't ever. I am also pretty sure that I've never seen my parents (who are still married after 30 years) do more than peck, or hold hands, and I certainly have never witnessed a passionate embrace between the two. I'm so happy that they are still together that I don't really care. Its only now that I'm realizing what type of effect this has all had on me.

I've never been one for public displays of affection. It bugged me in high school, and I didn't mind when my steady didn't want to hang out with me at lunch. I was busy doing other things. It bugs me now, when people are all over each other in the stores that I work at. I've never been much of a toucher. I rarely like to cuddle, pretty much only when I'm sleeping. Yeah sure, I like it when I'm sitting on a couch watching a movie with a guy I'm into and he puts his arm around me, but don't try to fondle me, I'm watching a damn movie! Sexually, I'm expressive, I guess, I've never really been compared to anyone else (that's kind of rude, y'know). But when its done its done.

What I'm getting at is this. My parents were friends. They talk to each other. They like to do the same things together. But they don't express their love through physicality. They do it through their intellect. They don't show their affection towards me by hugging me. Its always just a quick hug and a pat on the back. Maybe a kiss on the cheek like the Europeans, but nothing more. My mom was going to come to visit me and help me get some things straightened out, and I offered for her to stay with me, she could even sleep in my bed with me, shoot, she's my mom. She insisted on getting a room at a hotel. I didn't admit it to her, but that hurt.

In looking at my past relationships, and analyzing what I look for in a guy, I see how my parents relationship affects my decisions and choices. I get tired easily of someone who I can't have an intellectual conversation with (if this means arguing, so be it, as long as its not a fight). I get distant when a guy asks too much of me physically. I don't have to have sex to be in love. That's not what love is to me.

More to come later...

download of the day : "Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight" - James Taylor